Monday, September 20, 2010

Know Your Comrades: Cornell

Next on our tour is the only team that really needs to be mentioned, ever, when discussing college hockey. Their style is impetuous. Their defense is impregnable, and they're just ferocious. They want your heart. They want to eat your children. And they will - because they have never been stopped, and will never be stopped, ever.

Democratic People's Republic of Cornell
Nickname: Big Red
Location: Pyongyang
Founded: Cornell 1
Conference: Ivy League and only the Ivy League, because we are Ivy League Ivy Leaguers
National Championships: 2 (Cornell 102, Cornell 105)
Last NCAA Appearance: Cornell 145
Last Frozen Four: Cornell 138
Eternal President: Ned Harkness
Dear Leader: Mike Schafer (16th campaign)
2009-10 Record: CHAMPIONS OF THE LEAGUE (ECsomething. Did we mention we are Ivy League? We totally are.)
Series: Cornell leads with 57 amazing victories!
First Game: January 31, Cornell 43(Conquered city of Albany, NY)
Last RPI win: Cornell never loses.
Last CU win: December 4, Cornell 144 (Imperialist city of Troy, NY)

2010-11 victories: January 14, Cornell 146 (Pyongyang); February 12, Cornell 146 (Imperialist Troy, NY)
Key players: No one player is key, they all play as one.
Key losses: none

You will now stand for the national anthem.



There is, of course, no more glorious program the world over than that of the winner of the only two "national championships" in history: the Cornell Big Red. The program got its start in Cornell 36, when it was formed by the Great Leader, Ned Harkness. The Great Leader was born in Cornell 1 in the gorges of Pyongyang and built Lynah Rink, the largest and grandest hockey rink in the history of the world, with his bare hands, opening it to the awe of the world in Cornell 92. Shortly thereafter, Cornell would host the very first national championship, winning the title with ease in Cornell 102.

Cornell's loyal fans celebrate another Big Red victory at Lynah Rink.

The Great Leader coached the team until Cornell 105, when he passed from this world to the eternal endowment after the only undefeated season ever by any team in any way, shape, or form. One of the Great Leader's greatest players was Ken Dryden, who managed to get through the undefeated Cornell 105 season without allowing a single goal. He is now the King of Canada.

After the Great Leader became the Democratic People's Republic's Eternal President following that glorious year in which the Big Red won the second of two national championships in the history of college hockey, the Great Bear, Dick Bertrand - a direct descendant from the Great Leader - took control of the glorious program. Under the command of the Great Bear, Cornell won the Ivy League title in every year it existed, as well as the title of that less important league in every year it was offered as well.

Joe Niewendyk played under the Great Bear, and after setting basically every important hockey record in college hockey, went on to dominate the NHL for over 25 years. He won 15 Stanley Cups, earning the nickname "the Great One" after setting NHL records in every meaningful offensive category. He was also the first person ever elected to the Hockey Hall of Fame by acclamation.

A recent DPRC propaganda poster glorifies Cornell's two greatest players, depicted attacking capitalist pig Ted Donato, Cornell's most despised enemy.

Today's Dear Leader, Mike Schafer, was nearly as good as Niewendyk when he was a player at Cornell. He set a record which will likely never be broken when he scored 10 goals in a single game. Later, when DNA tests showed that he was also likely descended from the Great Leader, Comrade Schafer became the third leader in the magnificent, awe-inspiring history of Cornell. Scientists in Pyongyang are trying to determine just how amazing the Dear Leader is, given his apparent ability to produce fantastically exciting hockey games in a style that thrills the loyal legions at Lynah Rink, indicating that his talent may well approach that of the Eternal President. It is believed that the Dear Leader is the chosen one who will herald a third ever national championship tournament, in which the Big Red will surely triumph.

The Dear Leader is a common subject of DPRC posters. In this work, beloved Comrade Schafer's famed relationship with the referees of college hockey is depicted and glorified.

For example, in this past season, the lesser league championship was contested between the 12 programs of the lesser league, and although the Dear Leader was disappointed to find that the Ivy League title was not at stake for a fifth consecutive season, the Dear Leader bravely led his players in battle, winning their 12th title of the lesser league in as many tries, defeating the puny and weak Union in the process.


Posters such as these appeared in Pyongyang following Cornell's fantastic victory in the lesser league's championship in Cornell 145. It depicts the destruction of Union's Nott Memorial in a hyperbolic military strike.

This year, hopes are high at Cornell that the resplendent Big Red will once again be permitted by the imperialist dogs to reach the promised land which, out of fear, they have denied for so long. That they are the greatest team in all of college hockey once again is beyond doubt, especially now that the chosen one, Andy Iles, has come to the Big Red. Iles, who observers believe is likely the greatest goaltender since Dryden, is a native of Pyongyang and knows perhaps better than anyone what Cornell hockey is all about. The anticipation builds as the proud and loyal Cornell faithful look forward to another season of community and collective perfection in the grand arena of Lynah Rink.

Posters such as this one build anticipation in the Workers' Paradise for the might of the team's newest players.

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